Why can't I find a Domme

Recently a topic brought up by a couple of male submissive gathered some interest. They both asked "Why can't I find a Mistress", one had only found women who wanted "tribute" paid for every conversation with him and expensive gifts. I gave my answer in the group but looking at it now it's not just those two who have problems finding someone, so here's what I think one of the reason's is.

Maybe if you saw things from the other side so to speak you would understand why it's so hard to find someone who really does want to own you the person not you the wallet.

You both say you wish to be owned, so do thousands of others the majority of whom just want to be "owned" long enough to cyber. What sets you apart from them, nothing that I can see from "Hi I'm a 45 year old man who wants to be owned" and "I'm looking for a woman or maybe a couple to train me, I want to be forced", certainly nothing to get my interest and I doubt the interest of any Domina who is serious about the life she lives.

I don't know what kind of conversations you've had as a submissive searching for a Mistress, you said that most chats don't last long. If those conversations included the words "what would you do to me if you owned me" or any variation on those words then it's simple why those conversations ended, that's usually the lead in line to a cyber session where we're expected to follow along to your fantasy. That's also probably the reason why you have "mistresses" demanding money from you before they'll chat with you, you're paying for a service and that's to follow your script or your fetishes and get you off. They're "money Mistresses" and are using you to make extra cash, you pay for the privilege of being allowed to talk to them, the chances of you actually meeting them or having an exclusive relationship with them are slim to none, and I think slim left town a year or so ago.

A slave doesn't have to be perfect, but they do have to be flexible and adaptable. You say "but they thought they were going to change us", well yes we're going to change you to serve us and our needs and not those of every Domme you come across. I don't do the same things as Lady A or B or C or any of the other Domina's do, and they don't do the same things that I do, we may like the same things but we're not going to use the same technique to get the results we want. So while you may be perfect for one of them you're not going to be perfect for me and vice verso, while they may like A to be done this way I like A done another way, you'll be changed to perform the task my way not theirs.

A submissive contacts a Domme or tries to add them to messenger so they can talk in private, not a good idea boys and girls if the Domme in question is not looking to add any more sub/slaves to her stable. He/she trots out a list of what he thinks she wants to hear, he's very submissive and has no limits (yea right) or just simply states that he's a sub. What we read it as is he's horny and wants to talk about his fetishes while masturbating either on cam so she can watch or just type one handed. Does the sub/slave bother to look at her location, normally they don't care as long as they can fantasize about her, but sometimes they want you to travel to them to fulfill their kink. Where is there any mention of her wants and needs, of her fetishes and kinks.... Nowhere because she's supposed to be there for the sub to get off from not her to get anything from the sub.

And that guys and girls is what you're fighting against, those thousands of kinky jerks who just want to get off from their fantasy and don't really want to serve anyone for longer then it takes to get their rocks off.

If you're serious about the lifestyle and do genuinely want to be owned then be prepared to spend some time talking and proving that you can put her wants/needs before your own. It's not going to happen overnight, but then you're not looking for a one night stand are you?

Groups and why we belong to them

I belong to several discussion groups, some of them are listed on the right of this page. So why belong to groups, what's the benefit of talking about this lifestyle with people? Very simply to learn, to talk things through with people who have gone through the same things that we have, to discover new ways of doing things, to clarify our thoughts and bounce idea's around.

The discussions are fast paced and friendly because for the most part that's what we are, friendly people who share a common interest and see each other as people not just our position in the lifestyle. We treat each other with respect and at a bare minimum common courtesy and honesty, it doesn't matter if it's one of the boy's or one of the Domina's their opinions are given the same consideration and value.

We may not always agree on things, we may not all have the same kinks or fetishes, but we respect the right that others have to be turned on by things that we're not. We don't slap a sub down because they're beneath us, their words have just as much worth as anyone else's, they are just as valuable as a Domina is.

These groups works in part because of the differences we have, some groups are specific to only those who would find an interest in that subject. While I do enjoy seeing a naked man around the house I wouldn't join a group because of that fact, muscle men don't do a thing for me if they don't have a brain in their heads or a thought of their own, and as for cuckolding well I see no reason to have sex with a man who can't fulfill my every want and need.

Size matters, well yes it does but not in the way that most people think. I don't care if a man has a 3" penis or one he can wrap around his leg, it's not the penis submitting to me it's the man himself. It doesn't make any difference if the man is so tall I have to stand on a chair to kiss him when I want to or if I have to bend over, it's the look in his eye when I caress him and he purrs and leans into my touch that counts.

Who's a "real man" one who's so wrapped up in his own looks and needs/wants that he can't see the wonderful woman in front of him, or one who's secure enough in and of themselves, that they can with all their heart and soul serve that woman in front of them in whatever way she wants. Any fool with some time and a little money can go to a gym and beef up, it takes a "real man" to look deep into themselves to see the things that make them content, and get past their upbringing that men are supposed to be the master of their domain.

By all means if I was still looking for mine I would choose a "big man", one who's heart and mind are big enough to match mine, one who's not afraid to show his vulnerability and cry if he needs to, who's strong enough to bend his will to mine because it's what he wants and it brings me pleasure.

Which is the ONE TRUE form of FemDom?

There is only ONE TRUE form of FemDom and D/s and that's MINE and the sooner everyone accepts that the better it will be!

Now before everyone starts getting panties in an uproar think about this for a second.

My way is the way that I feel when I hold my shubby close and tell him "welcome home Mine", it's the way he makes me feel when he sighs and says "Your boy is home My Lady", it's the moans and cute little whimpers he makes for me, it's the way his muscles strain and sweat sheen's his body when he's struggling to hold on for my permission, the way he anticipates my needs and provide my comforts when he's home. It's all that and more, and it's the ONE TRUE form for FemDom because it fits me and mine like our own skin does.

Your TRUE form of domination or submission is what fits you like your own skin and it may have absolutely no resemblance to mine or anyone else's. It may be milk chocolate or deepest darkest chocolate or even fruit and nuts and cheese or a gourmet meal fit for a Master's Dinner, but it's what you find and make your own.

That's what's so wonderful about this lifestyle we live, it's not dead and cold or "one size fits all", it's full of life and love and respect each part of it fresh and new made just for us, just for that one moment in time. And the sooner everyone understands that the better it will be for all of us.

Safe words and responsibilities

I don't think there is a "normal" in the lifestyle just "acceptable" or "unacceptable" behavior. If what I say next offends anyone I'm sorry but this is my opinion, it's not meant to be insulting or judgmental against anyone I'm just sick to death of abusers hiding behind the label of BDSM and thinking they can get away with it.

As a group a sub being humiliated is acceptable, personal preference I don't like it but accept that the people involved do.
As a group using a person as a toilet is acceptable, personally I don't understand that but accept that other people do.
As a group reducing a sub to a creature is acceptable, again personally it's not for me.
As a group scarification, branding or piercing is acceptable, again not for me but that's just personal preference, I have been to a workshop on temporary piercing and know how it's done safely I just didn't like to do it once I'd learned how.
As a group a sub being flogged is acceptable, personally I love it.

BUT what I cannot and will not accept is someone beating a sub/slave after the sub has used their safe word, unsafe abusive behavior is just that and doesn't have a damn thing to do with Domination and none of us should tolerate it. Obviously I'm not meaning "safeword,smack,SAFEWORD" if the blow is in movement it's hard sometimes to pull that so it doesn't land without doing more harm, what I'm meaning is "safeword, WHAT how dare you try to stop me, gag him/her, restrain them tighter, now try to use that word again, smack smack smack, take by force what they won't give willingly, beat them some more"

Subs and slaves to me are still human beings and that entitles them to safety. If a sub comes to me and says they're not sure about their Domme because she's doing things that the sub doesn't like/want and ignoring safe words the first thing I ask is have you talked to them about your fears and concerns. If they ask me if it's normal to pee blood for a week after their Domme has beaten them with a broom handle, or ask if I know a good burn treatment that will make their skin heal faster because their Mistress burned them with a hand held butane torch and their back is infected, if they ask me if it's ok to be given to another Mistress to play with and that woman cuts them with a knife, then in all honesty I have to wonder at the sanity both of the sub and the Domme and tell them that I don't do it but you need to talk to your Mistress.

Sometimes I feel like I'm throwing a lamb back to the wolves but what option do we have? I know we all have different idea's on the lifestyle and what works for us, we all have different levels that we're comfortable with, we all have our own special ways to get what we want, and all of that is great and as it should be. I know this is not a "one size fits all" lifestyle and it shouldn't be. But when a sub is obviously afraid and plucks up the courage to ask for help, as a Dominant, or as a human being, don't we have some responsibility to find out if it's just a case of a mismatched couple or miscommunication between them or help the sub if they really are being abused?

Ignorance or manslaughter?

This last week there's been several posts in the groups I belong to concerning a woman who's been arrested and charged with manslaughter, the charges may be amended to a murder charge at a later date depending on further developments.

The way the husband of the woman who's been arrested died was suffocation, at least that's what the news says.
He was bound around the legs and arms, had a ball or ball gag inserted into his mouth and taped into place with duck tape, which was wrapped around his head and eyes leaving only his nostrils clear to breath through. She left him alone bound like that for about 20 hours before he was discovered dead.

According to others this was not the first time that they had practiced this form of BDSM, this time though he died. From police reports the time she spent away from her husband she was in a motel with a man she'd met on the Internet. She paid for his ticket and flew him from California to spend time with him. In the past few months she'd apparently spent time with other men as well.

She broke a cardinal rule, she left someone who was helpless and totally dependent on her alone. He had no way to get loose, no one to know that something was going wrong, no one to release him so he could breath, alone with no sound but those of his own body in the darkness, his eyes taped shut.

One thing that cannot be stressed enough is safety, the majority of those who live an alternative lifestyle do so under the rules of SSC (Safe Sane Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). The two may sound very similar but not quite the same.

Those who practice SSC make things as Safe as possible, they know the risks in what they do and do everything they can to make sure that their partner is not harmed. While it's arguably not sane to enjoy hurting or controlling someone, or enjoy being hurt or controlled, we do try to keep it as sane as possible. Whatever we do it's consensual, even rape or interrogation play, all parties involved do so with full knowledge and consent of what is happening. There are safe words involved, all you have to do is say it and everything stops.

Those who follow RACK know the risks involved in the type of play they're involved in and do everything they can to lower that risk to an acceptable level for all. They're aware of what they're doing and learn as much as they can about it. Again all parties involved consent to what happens. They know what they do is a kink or fetish, they enjoy it and have learned as much about the tools required to fulfill that kink that they possibly can.

Notice there's some similarity there, safety or lowering the possibility of injury. In no way is it safe to leave someone who's only means of breathing is two tiny holes in the tape, for a few minutes while you go to the bathroom or something is ok but not for minutes or hours at a time. And you certainly don't leave the property you're on and drive off.

A person tends to sweat, normally with the clothing we wear it's not noticed, it evaporates in the air around us unless it's very hot or humid. If you close skin off from the air as you do with tape or cling wrap that moisture from the sweat builds up underneath it and that barrier can slip a bit. It's possible that the tape around his head slipped and covered his only means to breath.

So why did she do it, did she not know the risks that she was taking with his life by leaving him alone, or is it as her sister in law stated that she would do anything to get back her single life again?

I guess only time will tell, or at least we may find out when the trial is over. Meanwhile no matter what your personal views on it are, please try to be safe.

Thoughts on BDSM

There's a great deal of discussion about what BDSM is, what the letters stand for and the differences between their original meaning and the way they're interpreted today.

Bondage,Discipline,Sadism,Masochism is what most people think but there is another variation coming into it now, or perhaps it's always been there just not as defined as it is today, that's Dominance/submission or D/s as it's termed.

So what is D/s and how does it take it's place under the all encompassing banner of BDSM?

There are some who will claim to be Dominant and actively dominate their submissive. They have a set of rules that the submissive has to follow, some just minor rules and some that manage every minute of their day depending on how their particular relationship dynamic works.

They can set the time that the submissive gets up, the time spent in the shower, the clothes to wear that day, food to eat, what time to leave for work, what to have for lunch, what time to leave work, what food to buy for dinner. You name it and they can and will set a schedule up for their submissive, and the submissive follows those rules.

To the outside world the dominant may be seen as a control freak or anal retentive, but to those involved in this relationship it fulfills needs that they both have. The submissive may be searching for structure in their lives and the dominant provides that for them, the dominant may feel the need to closely supervise someone so they get their needs met.

Usually the first thing that comes to mind of those who don't understand is "Well that's not kinky that's just being bossy" or "They need help it's not right to control someone like that".

In a way they're right, it's not kinky, there's no ropes or leather involved, no handcuffs or anything else. The only thing making the submissive follow the rules of the dominant is their will, the submissive does it because they want to not because they're scared of what will happen if they don't. Take away that control and the submissive is lost for direction, they loose the structure that they need to function properly.

So where does that fit in with BDSM, it fits in very well really. Imagine that control put into a physical situation, the submissive kneeling beside the dominant taking care of their wants and needs, making sure they have what is needed to keep them comfortable. Perhaps the submissive broke some rule and needs correcting for it, that involves discipline and they may be masochistic needing those needs met as well.

So now we have Bondage,Discipline/Dominance, Sadism/submissive, Masochist or any combination that works for consenting adults in their relationship.

Why oh Why do they do it

I know this blog is on line, I know that to some BDSM is fantasy or role play but it bugs the hell out of Me when some stranger thinks they can involve Me in their fantasy and I'll just fall in with their script.

Learn to read because I'm not going to be this polite again ever!!

If I wanted a male under My table worshiping Me while I eat dinner I'd let the dog sit there and drool all over My feet, at least I know where he's been. You may find it interesting to "sit" under a strangers table and worship her orally but I can assure you that I do not!

I find it extremely insulting both to Me and my hubby when someone tells Me they wish they were My cuck.

Did you read anywhere on My blog or profile that I cuckold my husband.. NO you didn't.

Did you read anywhere on My blog or profile that I have any interest in cuckolding him.. NO you didn't.

Is there anything anywhere on My blog or profile that I either like strangers worshiping Me or Me having any interest in anyone else outside of our Poly family.. NO there isn't.

So why are you involving Me in your fantasy? Do you think that just because you write it I'm going to meekly fall in with your role play.. I can assure you that I am not even remotely interested in your cyber life.

Take your cyber and use it somewhere because this to me is not fantasy, I am a Lifestyle Domina not a blow up doll.

Where do I go from here

Last year I was diagnosed with a life altering illness, one that I've brought on myself by smoking for as long as I have. No I'm not going to go off on a rampage about the evils of smoking and how cigarettes and cigars should be banned, you're adults and able to make up your own minds.

I can tell you that hearing the words, "You have COPD, there is no cure it's 100% fatal all we can do right now is try to extend your life as much as we can", dropped my heart out of my chest and my dreams crumbled into ashes at my feet. I'll readilly admit that I wallowed in self pity for a few days and cried my eyes out, my nights were tortured by images of my grandson and unborn granddaughter never getting to know me. Of me missing the most important milestones of their lives, not because of the miles between us, but because I was just a photo their dad pointed to and told them "that's your grandma, my mom she got sick and died when you were a baby".

I asked a group I belong to for some advice in things I can do when I'm not feeling as well as I do now, adaptations I can make so I can keep on spanking. While most of the suggestions were ones I'd already thought about they did have some wonderful suggestions, getting a massage table to lay hubby on to spank him there, getting a rolling stool like the ones you see in a doctor's office but for that to really work we'd either have to have a solid floor or a very short nap carpet for the wheels to roll over.

One of them said to "expand my mind, why always punish by spanking", oh Goddess bless but that's the last thing I would do to punish cause I love it too much and thankfully so does hubby. There's something fantastically erotic about a good spanking, I'm not talking about just a "bend over and grab your ankles while I whack away" but a good old fashioned over the knee spanking with lots of touching, finger nail scratching and a pair of rosy red cheeks hot enough to tingle and make them wriggle when they sit down for a few days afterward. Punishment would be NOT getting spanked or NOT being able to spank and I never want that day to get here.

One other suggestion I'm going to have to think about, and eventually talk to hubby about as well to find out if he's open to it, knowing my little pervert I don't think for one minute he'd say no lol. The suggestion is to get a surrogate in to follow my instructions and do the physical work for me, sort of a designated spanker so to speak.

On the plus side of that would be I wouldn't be too worn out at the end of a few minutes to continue, he would get a good work out and not loose any of the pleasure he gets from the endorphin release.

On the minus side right now I feel like I'd be loosing a very valuable part of our life, it would be removing something we both love from my hands and putting it into someone else control. Maybe I'm just feeling inadequate at the thought of not being able to provide what he likes, selfish for not wanting to share that with anyone else, and yes the green eyed monster is rearing it's ugly head at him enjoying being spanked by someone else and not me.

The thought of it's not feeling the same as when Master's wife spanks him that's no problem, but they're not here all the time so it would mean bringing someone else into the family and that's a whole other kettle of fish. I'm just not ready to let someone new close to us right now, who knows that could change with time but for right now I'll make the most of what I still have going for me.

With a Broken Wing

Injuries happen, we try our best not to cause harm to those we play with, we try our best to be as safe as we can but accidents do happen and so do injuries. The visible ones we can see, we can touch, we can bandage and treat and they serve as a visible reminder of what can go wrong. I've heard someone who was playing with knives, one slipped and drew blood and it horrified her that she's hurt this person even though the sub was very much into it, the sight of the small trace of blood was enough to drop the Dom out of their head-space and break the mood.

But what about those wounds we can't see, what about the injuries to the Dominant/sub/slave's self esteem or psyche?

I recently came across an unusual situation, an extreme masochistic male sub who's a retired Navy Seal Instructor well versed in control of the mind and body, used to pushing himself and those he trained past their normal endurance. Each time I've seen him with a new Mistress she's been very petite and very new to the lifestyle, and he's been training them to fulfill his needs. He's lost more Mistresses in the last couple of months because of his extreme needs he wanted filling then most people have lost coins in their couch.

We talk as Dominants of protecting our sub/slaves and not pushing them further then their minds can go without seriously raising problems for them. I don't think I have ever heard of anyone talking about the damage done to a fledgling Dominant by a sub "topping from the bottom" and pushing them into area's that the Dom isn't comfortable in or where the (to their minds) extreme pain that they're inflicting is revolting them and causing them to doubt their own sanity and worth.

We hear all the time about subs/slaves being trained, but who trains the Dominant. Contrary to some opinions they do not spring from the ground fully aware of their position in life and knowing everything there is to know about Dominance and the tools of the trade. A person going to Home Depot or Lowes and having all kinds of perverted idea's to do with things there that the designer's never thought about, does not mean that that person is a Dominant, it just means that they're kinky as hell *grin*

If a new Dominant is lucky they'll find a local munch meeting and meet like minded people there who'll give them hints and suggestions and may even mentor them. If they're not so lucky then maybe they'll catch someone on-line in one of the numerous chat rooms and groups that will take the time to explain what it means to be Dominant. That was partly why I wrote the last subject that I did, putting my own thoughts together on what it means to me to be what I am.

But what if they have no one to help them muddle through all these confusing things, what if all they have is a sub who wants to play his/her way? What if all they have is an extreme masochistic pain slut who can't get anyone else to do the things to them that they want because any Dominant with half a brain cell would know how dangerous it was and stop? Is it up to the people at a munch to take this person to one side and tell them what they're doing is wrong? Is it up to a more experienced Dom to stop what this boy/girl is doing and put them in their place?

In the munch group I belong to we have very set rules, if something isn't safe then the DM will stop all play in the room and the sub will be released from whatever restraints they're in. But what about after that, is it their responsibility as Dungeon Master to explain to the new Dom what they were doing is wrong and unsafe and show them a safe way to do the same thing?
Naturally when all play stops in a room and we hear the word "Red" people rush to see what's going on and see if their help is needed. We have a number of people who are either in the medical profession or have taken advanced first aid course so their instinct is to check for injuries. Again what about those injuries that can't be seen, the embarrassment caused by everyone coming to see what's wrong and guilt for not listening to that inner voice telling them "this is wrong" even after the sub has been telling them that this is right.

Just where does the Dominants responsibility lie with helping the next generation be either SSC or RACK?

WHY? Because I'm Dominant and I can!

I am not a Sadist and not all Domme's are, I can be Sadistic, I can be evil, I can be mean, I can be a total bitch BUT I don't like seriously marking or damaging My toys when playing, punishment for something that displeases Me is a different story. I can and will make sure you know the difference and yes you will hate what punishments are.
I will take you to the edge and hold you there breathless and needing for hours before I let you fly.
Why? Because I can and it pleases Me to do so and it arouses My passion greatly.

I will not hear the word NO from My hubby-sub or any other sub unless they have a damn good reason and they better let Me know in a respectful tone of voice. If they can't speak up intelligently then I don't want to hear it, if they can't speak and act with self discipline and self confidence then they are worthless to Me, if they can't show respect in their own worth then they're no good to Me, if they don't have it in them to look Me in the eye and say Mistress you're wrong and back up that statement with facts then they have no place in My life.
Why? Because if you have no pride in yourself you'll have none in being Mine.

There is more to this Lifestyle then pain, there's more in this Lifestyle then breaking someone, there is more to serving Me then being able to take punishment silently, it's not the number of lashes or paddle strokes you can take, it's not the amount of punishment your body can take, it's the way your body responds to Me and My touch that matters. The worst possible thing that you could do when serving Me is hold back any part of yourself and what you're feeling, that includes pleasure as well as pain and any sounds or responses you feel when I'm playing.
Why? Because I want to hear it and see it.

I love having a man, especially a strong successful man, helpless bound before Me waiting on My pleasure. My favorite bonds are not leather or steel, it's not rope or wire, it's toilet paper wrapped around their wrists and ankles, and they better not tear it or I stop whatever I'm doing and walk away.
Why? Because I can and it pleases Me when My will and your desire to please Me is the only thing holding you in place.

I'm a Sensualist and as such I want to know your reaction to every sensation I'm giving you, if I'm using a flogger or paddle know that it pleases Me to see your skin turn a nice rosy red. If I see you flinching away from Me then I'll switch to something else, maybe some fur rubbed over your skin to bring you down a little and let the sting die down before I go to another toy and take you higher. Maybe I'll use some sandpaper across your buttocks or chest, maybe a little (or a lot) hot wax dripped from various heights over your body, maybe a cold sharp blade to peel it off so you'd better be still.
Why? Because I like it and feel like doing it.

A Sadist enjoys seeing you in pain and will do whatever they can to get the reaction they want from you, they love the marks you take for Them, They love to hear your tears or groans or cries that you can't hold back when it hurts.
A sensualist loves the moans and whimpers, the begging and pleading, the puppy dog eyes looking up with devotion while They work on you. I will tease and torment for hours until all you know is My hands on your body, My voice in your ears, My breath on your body, My will and skill lifting you higher then easing you down then back up higher and down again and again until you fly free above your physical self.
Why? Because it's tremendously powerful to have that much control over another person.

I may decide to use a cane, oh how I love the stripes they make with so little effort and they do make nice patterns on your skin when I want them to. A cane to some is a hard limit, it can leave deep bruises or cut the skin and it certainly can leave marks that last a week or more should I care to do so. If I choose to use it on your face do not pull away but trust me that I won't bruise you.
Why? Because I like My marks to be Mine and not shared with anyone.

I may have you blindfolded waiting for My touch somewhere, anywhere on your body, you may feel the heat of my body as I circle you deciding what and where I'm going to do next. That touch may be as light and fleeting as a snow flake falling against your cheek or as hard as a paddle breaking on your ass, either way by the time I'm finished you'll be begging for it if you're capable of thought or speech by the time I'm done satisfying My desires.

Why? Because that's how I want you.. Breathless and needing, wanting Me and only Me to let you fly.

A Challenge of Power

Why do many sub/slaves often test or challenge their Dom/mes dominance?
Are there Dom/me who want or actually need to be tested by their sub/slaves?
Why or why not?
Shouldn't a real Dom/me simply nip it in the bud and not allow themselves to be tested or challenged?

Aren't these tests but a variation of topping from the bottom?
For me this is not really a hard question to answer.. or is it?

From being a child who's parents tell them not to touch the stove it's hot, don't play in the street you'll get run over, don't run with knives or you'll fall and cut yourself to a new submissive told not to wear panties or they'll be in trouble, we have all at one time or another questioned authority. Is this really a challenge of authority or is it someone trying to see what the limits really are?

If the sub is questioning the Dominant one I don't see that as a challenge of Their power or authority, it's setting the rules. If you do this then this will happen, if you do that then this will happen. It's not so much a challenge as defining the limits and consequences of doing something wrong.

On the other hand if the sub knows very well that something is forbidden and looks straight at the Dominant and does it anyway then yes that's a direct challenge and should be responded to immediately. It doesn't matter if it's something as small as the sub being told they cannot have a desert with dinner and has one anyway or a major challenge deliberately being disrespectful at a Lifestyle function or breaking the major rules the Dominant has, either way it's wrong and should be punished accordingly.

I have to admit I do enjoy the challenges I get from Mine, not because of the challenge itself but as the fact that he's trying to find out what is and isn't My pleasure.
The one thing that has to be unchanged and that's the way the Dominant reacts to the submissive's testing of limits, the punishment has to fit the crime each and every time.

I have noticed though that a sub who's feeling neglected will deliberately break a rule to get the attention from their Dominant that they want. Some seem to be so needy or so neglected that any attention is better then none, or maybe they don't know any difference or think the only reason they're there is to be punished.

That could be a failing on the Dominant's part as much as the sub's though, if they never get any encouragement or any sign of appreciation, if they're never complimented or thanked for doing something well then how are they to know they're doing what's required of them?

It takes no time at all to say thank you the food was just what I wanted, the house looks very clean you did well, you please Me greatly. It takes no time and little effort to stroke their hair or pinch their butt, but it encourages them to do more and gives them a bit more pride. A happy sub is one who's going to challenge less and work harder to provide what their Owner wants then one who's not happy.

All thoughts are My own and if you don't agree, oh well it works for Me and Mine

Different strokes for.. well you know the rest

I don't know about any other Ladies who Dominate but I get very tired of people wanting me to top them on their terms, I'm sure you know the type..

The one's who send you messages telling you they'll do anything for you.. begging you to use and abuse them.. humiliate them.. anything goes they have no limits.. do what you want to them just as long as they can worship you..
The one's who expect that just because you're Dominant that you're going to like the same things they do.. that you're there to serve their fantasy life while all the time they're convincing themselves that they serve you.. the one's who very indignantly state "well you're a Domme I know you just want to hurt and abuse me so get at it where's your whip".. YEA RIGHT

Before you send any kind of message to a Dominant or Top take the time to read Their profile and maybe if you're real lucky you might get a clue that We're not all the same, We don't like the same things and We're not going to do what you want but what We want. If you ever bother to read it you'll see Mine doesn't say anything about wanting to use and abuse anyone. In fact it says distinctly that I don't do that, I don't like it and I don't want my boi to cower from me or crawl like a worm.

How does it equate in your mind My saying that I get nothing from a person who doesn't have any respect for themselves to your demanding to be punished for being a worthless sack of shit by Me? And while I'm on the subject of your demands.. what the hell makes you think that as a submissive/slave you have any rights to make demands of Me or any other Dominant?

If you want to be used and abused go to someone who does appreciate it, who will bounce your balls off a wall just for giggles and Her own thrills just don't try involving me in your fantasy cause you won't like it one little bit.
Now that I've got that off my chest lets discuss their particular obsession with having their testicles abused.

Where the vast majority of males would do everything in their power to protect the family jewels these so called submissive males want/need/beg for them to be smacked around, beaten, kicked, well you get the drift I'm taking here.

Don't ask me why they want it, I don't have a clue I'm still trying to figure out why I get such a massive rush being in control of My boi and a rush when i'm serving Master. Quite frankly I've stopped questioning it and I'm just going with the flow now, taking what I learn from Master and using it as well as I can with my boi who may like a little tug every once in a while but certainly doesn't like having them used in a game of table tennis.

We all have the different strokes, the things that get the blood flowing and endorphine's rushing around.. yea gods if that feeling could be put into a pill the drug companies would make a fortune lol. I do get a thrill out of turning My boi's ass a nice shade of red and then watch him wriggle when he sits down, it does give me little shivers when I hold him tightly and hear his breath catch and the cute little moan... but why on earth would I want to risk damaging my toys by harming them?

In the lifestyle there are very blurred lines between BDSM and just plain old S&M, there are a lot of people that don't know there's any difference between them and even more who plain don't give a damn it's all the same to them.
It's not the same although the edges are very blurry and they sort of run into each other here's a striking difference if you'll excuse the pun.

Speaking personally the way I see it BDSM involves Domination both mental and physical and while the parties involved may get a rush from the physical side it's the control that really gets me personally. With S&M it's more about the pain giving the rush then the control, while they still may get a lot of it from the control or lack of it, it's the pain that really gets their motor running.

What could be more out of their control then to have their sexual organs kicked, smacked, punched or whatever. What could be more in control then to hold their manhood in your hand knowing that one blow could bring them to their knees in pain so intense that they're beyond tears or control of their bodily functions. See where the edges blur, while there's control there it's the pain or possability of pain that is the enticement and not the Dominance or submission.

With Me it's seeing them at My mercy shaking and begging restrained at My will either with bonds or just My voice telling them to be still, or when i'm serving Master it's being bound and blindfolded waiting and wondering.. See the difference it's more in the mind set then in the physical aspect that you'll find me breathless and aroused.. Where you fit in is up to you.

Fantasy vs Reality

Fantasy = "Master/Mistress i want to kneel here all day worshiping the ground you walk on"
Reality = There's bills to pay, rent and food, clothes have to be washed, the house has to be cleaned, the dogs have to be taken for a walk and I have to work, but while I do that I'll do it knowing it's going to bring You pleasure.

Very few people are independently wealthy enough to be able to afford to keep slaves/subs laying around doing nothing on the off chance that they'll feel like spanking someone. So how do you blend the reality of life outside of the Lifestyle with the Lifestyle and your need to Dominate/submit ?

For each couple it's a struggle and one that they have to be constantly on top of to keep it going smooth, there's time for Dominant/submissive and there's time for husband/wife or whatever combination you have that the outside world sees.
Living the Lifestyle 24/7 for many is a dream they pray for, it would be a fantasy come true where they can show their true inner self but all too often reality rears it's ugly head and bites them on the ass. After a few weeks of giving everything they have to the Lifestyle side of the relationship eventually they look in the bank and there's bills due, no food in the pantry and no gas in the car... and there's that awesome set of floggers that you just have to get not matter what.

24/7 doesn't work UNLESS you work at it, it's not going to come easy and without bumps or mountains in the road you've chosen to live. So what do you do so that the resentment over every day things doesn't torpedo the relationship as D/s that you have?

Communication is the key, and there's times when you have to be able to speak freely as life partners not as D/s and yes there's times when the Dominant is going to have to back down and put some ideas on the back burner.
Before things get to the point where you're lighting candles at night not for wax play but because the power's been cut due to the bill not being paid as there wasn't enough money left over from buying the new custom made spanking bench, sit down and talk things over, set a budget and live with it. Don't expect that just because the Dominant brought you into their home that they're going to pay all the bills alone while you kneel in a corner and wait for them to get home. As the saying goes "Don't quit your day job"

If this is going to be a long term relationship and not just a play party by the time you get to the point of being together 24/7 it's a good idea to sit down and go over

• how much each of you earns,
• what bills you have including any loans you have outstanding and credit cards,
• what property you own and what you're going to do with them if you move in together,
• your work schedule including any travel you have to do
• family commitments, child support, how you're going to introduce each other if you're not getting married, time that you spend with them
• are you a packrat and want to keep everything
• is the Dominant one going to provide uniforms or dress code for when you're alone or out in public
• who's going to pay for what

Those are just bare idea's but by getting them in the open and sorted out it's going to get rid of one headache before it starts.

The Dominant one wants new toys to use on you.. stop drooling there's a car payment due and very little left in the bank so They walk in with said toy and you're going to have a late payment on the vehicle.. no drooling over the toys here. Trust me screaming "are you nuts what the hell did you buy that for when we're broke" is not going to get you a comfortable play time with those toys it's more likely to get you shut in the cage for the night without a blanket. You had a lousy day at work and you're really not feeling submissive you want to kill something.. don't take this time to push the Dominant's buttons to see how far you can get cause you won't like it.

See those two little examples right there blew the fantasy of kneeling worshiping anyone all to hell, because reality reared it's head. Anyone online can sit in a chat room and pledge their undieing devotion to their Dominant, anyone with a Master or Mistress in front of their name can promise to care for and protect their little one. Once you get out of the chat room and start looking round those promises have a habbit of going out the window, learn to work together to bring the fantasy into reality and keep working on it.

Polyamory - What is it?

First you're probably wondering what the heck that is but as with everything in this Lifestyle we live it means different things for different people, and I know the purists and Old Guard are going to shudder at this, probably walk away shaking their heads too.

Polyamory is having more then 1 love or member of a close unit, in other words instead of a couple it could be a trio or more in the Family unit. There may be more then 1 Dominant, or more then 1 submissive/slave or combinations of sub, slave, switch, whatever works for the unit.

How do I know how this works? Because for the last 2 almost 3 years I've been involved in a Poly relationship with my husband, Master and his wife/sub. This is not role play, it's not in front of a keyboard playing around, this is flesh to flesh real time. I'm going to continue using the words Master and his wife as they do not want me to use their real names, out of respect for their wishes I won't.

I've been asked several times how this could be possible, we're all human with emotions and fears, how is it possible to love more then 1 person in a relationships and do we in fact love the other partners in our relationship. The answer is yes there is love and trust and respect it's just a different love then that between my husband and I or between Master and his wife.
Polyamory is not something to be stepped into lightly or quickly, it takes a lot of hard work on all the members part, but it can and does have it's own rewards and not always on a sexual level.
I can't tell you what you have to do to make this work for your situation, and I can't say that this is for everyone because it's not, all I can say is what works for us.

There are distinct relationships which we all agreed comes before anything else and that is our marriages. If I or my husband want to spend time together alone then we do so, same as with Master and his wife, if we want to play alone we do so as do Master and his wife. Is there sex between the couples or is it just BDSM activities between the 4 of us, that you're just going to have to keep on wondering about as I will not go into really intimate details, enough to say that we're all content with what we do.

You each have to go into a Poly relationship knowing exactly what you're getting into, what your role is and what the others roles are as well. Just as it makes no sense for someone who doesn't know how to cook to have to provide meals for anyone, it doesn't make sense to have one person stuck with all the chores while the others go about their merry way having fun and relaxing, or for them to feel that that's all they're there for.

There can be no jealousy or envy, no resentment or anger that the others in your Family are spending more time with each other and not with you. At the same time you're each responsible for making it work, if there's problems you can't hold back and let it fester into something much larger. A time can be set apart each week or even every day if needed to talk things over and make sure that everything's running smoothly.

For us each of us have our own chores and roles to do to keep the family running, household chores are divided as are the common bills, any extra's the one who wants them gets them out of their own pocket. If it's something for us all to use such as an item for the dungeon then it's talked over and a joint decision is made as to if we want it or not, normally we make what we need ourselves and improvise the design to suit our needs.
So ok we have 2 couples what makes it different then swinging?
Well usually swingers don't live in the same house and they don't share the financial responsabilities of the home, it's usually for sex only and there's no real emotions other then lust involved.

For a Poly household they do share the same home, they do share finances and there is an emotional bond between us. There are rules and boundries agreed on between us all, there is a set format for each of us to go through if we want to play outside of the family or if we want to bring someone else into the family unit. We all know what each one is doing and feeling, we all bond together if one is having problems with something, we love and support each other through whatever the world throws at us. We all know each other's hard limits and will not break them, we all know that if there's something bothering us we not only have 1 person to go to but 2 others as well.

We never play each other off against each other, that's the quickest way to ruin what we have and lets face it it's stupid to give up something that works so well. We don't beat about the bush either, if there's something on our minds it comes out, we trust each other to listen and at least try to understand. And if there's something wrong we try to fix it as well as we can, it's not always perfect but it works for us.

A Beginning

I do so hate staring at a blank piece of paper, or in this case the blank screen on my monitor. How much is too much information, and how much is too little. So perhaps a little about me to open things up.

I dislike labels either the one's on clothing or items or the one's that people insist on putting on other people. A person isn't all one thing or another they're a mixture of good and bad, we can't look at someone and say "well you're a model number whatever so you're going to look like this and act like this so I'll order 3 of that and 1 of model number that one"

Were I however to put a label onto myself I'd have to say that I'm a sensualist, I'm very tactile, I love the feel of silk or lace or leather against my skin.. I delight in wringing every emotional and physical response from you that I can get..
The roughness of a itchy scratchy woolen blanket against the warm silken flesh of my sub delights my senses. The soft caress of fur against their faces watching as they turn towards my touch, hearing the little wimpers and sharp intake of breath as I tighten the clamps on nipples or wherever I've placed them arouse me greatly

Tracing my nails and finger tips lightly over their bodies feeling the heat of a recent paddling, watching their skin react to my lightest touch, hearing their moans sighs and wimpers as I slide closer and closer to their desire.. hearing their sobs as my touch drifts away from what they want so desperately... wiping away their sweet salty tears as their eyes plead with me for release.. changing my touch from a soft barely felt touch to deep scratches and pinches.. smiling as they thrust their flesh eagerly for whatever I should do to them..

I adore the way you beg for my touch.. I'm aroused by the way you loose control of your speach until all that's left is raw primal need.. I'm thrilled to the core as I hold your shuddering body as you are finally allowed to release at my command.. I'm very protective and possessive as I hold you close to me bringing your mind and body back together feeling the softness of your breath against my flesh..

Is that sweet nectar dripping from you yet girl remembering or imagining it's you feeling my flesh on yours.. my will holding you in check.. Are you hard yet boy straining against the rings that encircle your shaft.. twitching and aching for that sweet release that may or may not come..

I get no pleasure in belittleing or humiliating someone.. It does nothing for me to have you crawl on your belly like a worm to me.. It disgusts me when you have no pride in yourself and "will do anything you want no limits".. If you can't sit beside me and look me in the eye with pride and dignity then what good are you to me.. If you can't face me with truth and honesty then there is no relationship, there is no submission, there is no Domination there's only sexual fantasy and role playing.. and that is not who or what I am.

Why is there a shortage of FemDom's

I belong to several groups for discussions, most of them are FemDom or D/s and one thing that comes up repeatedly is the lack of Mistresses or Domina's. Various numbers are thrown out by people, that there's anywhere from 10 to 100 submissive's to each non pro Domina. I have no idea if those numbers are right or not, I know I get a ton of IM's from men who think I'm there waiting to play with them.

Their main complaint is all they can find online are either Pro Domme's or "money" Domme's. The difference being that a Pro will schedule time for them to have a session taking care of their fetish needs, a "money" Domme may not have any information about the lifestyle at all but if you send them money or get them something from their wish list they'll fake it.

"Real" Domina's don't advertize online, they don't have to. All they need do is pop into a chat room somewhere and they're inundated with horny sub's who are looking for someone to own them for a few hours or forever.

So if they're not advertizing online where are they? They're at local munch meetings or play parties, they're online talking to their own sub's and others in chat rooms, they're putting their thoughts in blogs. They're not there sitting by the computer waiting for some horny toad to pop up and role play a fantasy out for them.

So instead of looking online for them and getting let down, get off your lazy hind end and go out to functions and lifestyle events, get to know real people in the real world and not just someone playing dress up on the computer.

A welcome to My mind, such as it is

The majority of my blog posts have been made on yahoo, which seems to be either changing things constantly or moving them permanently. Either way hopefully I'll remember to post more often here.

Firstly about me, as my profile states I'm a Wife to my submissive hubby, a Mother and a very proud Grandma to a very handsom grandson and a beautiful granddaughter.

My views on the Lifestyle are quite simple, abuse has no place in it everything else is open to negotiation between consenting adults.

Let me make it plain in case my profile didn't get saved,
I am not searching for any submissive's,
I am not looking for a Dominant to put me in my place,
I am very happy in the place I'm in thank you very much.

What I am here to do is share a little of how My mind works with my friends, to offer what advice I can to those new to the Lifestyle and to share thoughts and opinions with friends.