Where do I go from here

Last year I was diagnosed with a life altering illness, one that I've brought on myself by smoking for as long as I have. No I'm not going to go off on a rampage about the evils of smoking and how cigarettes and cigars should be banned, you're adults and able to make up your own minds.

I can tell you that hearing the words, "You have COPD, there is no cure it's 100% fatal all we can do right now is try to extend your life as much as we can", dropped my heart out of my chest and my dreams crumbled into ashes at my feet. I'll readilly admit that I wallowed in self pity for a few days and cried my eyes out, my nights were tortured by images of my grandson and unborn granddaughter never getting to know me. Of me missing the most important milestones of their lives, not because of the miles between us, but because I was just a photo their dad pointed to and told them "that's your grandma, my mom she got sick and died when you were a baby".

I asked a group I belong to for some advice in things I can do when I'm not feeling as well as I do now, adaptations I can make so I can keep on spanking. While most of the suggestions were ones I'd already thought about they did have some wonderful suggestions, getting a massage table to lay hubby on to spank him there, getting a rolling stool like the ones you see in a doctor's office but for that to really work we'd either have to have a solid floor or a very short nap carpet for the wheels to roll over.

One of them said to "expand my mind, why always punish by spanking", oh Goddess bless but that's the last thing I would do to punish cause I love it too much and thankfully so does hubby. There's something fantastically erotic about a good spanking, I'm not talking about just a "bend over and grab your ankles while I whack away" but a good old fashioned over the knee spanking with lots of touching, finger nail scratching and a pair of rosy red cheeks hot enough to tingle and make them wriggle when they sit down for a few days afterward. Punishment would be NOT getting spanked or NOT being able to spank and I never want that day to get here.

One other suggestion I'm going to have to think about, and eventually talk to hubby about as well to find out if he's open to it, knowing my little pervert I don't think for one minute he'd say no lol. The suggestion is to get a surrogate in to follow my instructions and do the physical work for me, sort of a designated spanker so to speak.

On the plus side of that would be I wouldn't be too worn out at the end of a few minutes to continue, he would get a good work out and not loose any of the pleasure he gets from the endorphin release.

On the minus side right now I feel like I'd be loosing a very valuable part of our life, it would be removing something we both love from my hands and putting it into someone else control. Maybe I'm just feeling inadequate at the thought of not being able to provide what he likes, selfish for not wanting to share that with anyone else, and yes the green eyed monster is rearing it's ugly head at him enjoying being spanked by someone else and not me.

The thought of it's not feeling the same as when Master's wife spanks him that's no problem, but they're not here all the time so it would mean bringing someone else into the family and that's a whole other kettle of fish. I'm just not ready to let someone new close to us right now, who knows that could change with time but for right now I'll make the most of what I still have going for me.